I’m putting myself first…

I’m putting myself first… 1

…on this blog. As moms, we are always doing things for others before our selves.  There was a time when I thought of myself first and everyone else second.  I didn’t think anything was wrong with doing that- if I didn’t, who would? But now, since I’ve had the kiddos, I’m astonished that I love someone more than myself and I think of them before I think of myself.  Being a parent was not my top priority. In fact, it wasn’t even in my top 10 of things to accomplish, but one day I decided, ‘okay, its time.”  That was almost 3 years ago.  Since then, we’ve added three little ones to our family: One 2 year old and 4 month old twins.  

I have a small family with whom I am not close at all so it was important to me to have more than one child.  I wanted my children to have someone close to them because I didn’t have that when growing up.  Even if they don’t get along, they will always have each other if necessary.  Also, because I was in my late 30s and my husband was in his 40s I didn’t want to die and leave them without anyone.  That was and still is a huge fear.  Is this a normal feeling?

Anyway, this is an area that I want to talk about things that are important to me.  I don’t always want to talk about my kids.  I have real issues and dreams outside my children that I want to share and vent about.  I want others to learn from my successes and failures and I want to learn from others.  With that said, let me introduce you.

My Bunch

Dashaun, Donster, DJ, Buttabean, Jellybean

My headaches- not in any particular order:

1. Dashaun- My husband

We couldn’t be more different.  I swear we only have a few things in common.  Since I barely have time to do anything outside of work and take care of babies, we really don’t have that bridge anymore.  We’ve been together since our teens; I’ve known him over half my life, and he has worked on my nerves almost the entire time I’ve known him.  He’s a good guy though and sometimes I don’t deserve him.

2. Donster- My mom.  

We couldn’t be more different.  We are apples and oranges.  If we didn’t look alike, I’d think I was switched at birth. Talk about an aggressive lady who says what’s on her mind and doesn’t apologize for it.  She would be such a great mom if she just didn’t talk. She always says, ‘the world isn’t ready for me.’ And she’s right.  I’ve known her my whole life and I’m still not ready for her.  She has a huge heart but you wouldn’t know it if you never get to know her.

3.  DJ a.k.a The Deej a.k.a. Sweetie Pie a.k.a Cutie Pie a.k.a Snookums a.k.a Sweet Pea – My first born son.

He was the first.  After 15 years of marriage and a few years of trying to get pregnant, he came first.  This dude makes me smile every time I think about him or see him or talk with him.  I wasn’t a mom who was bursting with love throughout the pregnancy or even after he was born.  I knew I had to take care of a little baby, but the whole loveyoumorethananythingunconditionallove came much later. Not only did we start a new journey with him as our first child, but we are now on the path of learning and living with a child with Autism.  

4. Buttabean – Twin 1; Son number two.  

He was calm and cool as a cucumber in the womb.  Within 5 minutes of pushing, he was out of it.  He is a chill little guy born at 4lbs 11oz, 5 weeks early.  When he goo goo’s and gaa gaa’s I am fascinated because with The Deej, he didn’t do any of that.  It’s like I’m a first time mom again because I am not sure what ‘normal’ development milestones are for babies.  When Buttabean smiles and is responsive, I don’t know if he’s happy or if it’s just gas.

5.  Jellybean – Twin 2; Princess a.k.a Little Lady

The smallest one in the house with the loudest mouth.  She did so many flips and tumbles inside me that I thought she was going for the gold.  One week she was upside down breeched, the next week she was sideways then okay.  She refused to come out gently so I had to get a C-section.  She came out squeezing the placenta veins in her hand.  Somehow, they had grown outside and she was just a ’tugging on them with all her might.  At 4lb 5oz, the NICU nurses said she was a feisty little thing who wouldn’t shut up until she got her way.  They were like putty in her itty bitty hands.

Some things I’d like to talk about:

1. Relationships – My husband and I have been together over 20 years.  Some people near to us think that we are #goals but they don’t realize it takes work to make this work.  

2. Finances – Because of our fertility issues, we were damn near depleted of all savings, maxed out all our credit cards, and went into debt.  Almost every article I have read states something like, “got out of debt by 30,” or “paid down 100k in student loans.”  I’m like, where are the articles that talk about people like me?  We have consumer debt that we are working to pay off and we are near and over 40 years old.  We don’t all have it together by 30 and I don’t see much out there supporting people my age.

3. Mind Makeover – I am going through a shift in my life.  I am changing the way I think and behave. I am creating goals and facing my fears.  I have no idea if this is a thing but I have been telling myself “Fear Forward.”  I am determined to take action and accomplish all that I set forth to achieve.  I want to talk to others who have the same mindset.  I want to discuss the books I am reading and how they are impacting me.

4. Family – We go through trial and error every day.  

a. Having a child on the spectrum is new for us.  My husband was in denial.  We argued plenty of times about my son before an official diagnosis.  How do other families manage?  

b. My mom is staying with us for a while until the twins get older.  Our family dynamic is…interesting.  My husband is mild mannered and my mom is a force to be reckoned with.  I try to be the mediator but it gets tiresome.

c. The twins are the definition of work.  I am tired just thinking about them.  I’d like to share what works for us and find out about how other families keep it together with their twins.

5. Minimalism – I want to downsize everything but my mom and husband have different ideas. Donster seems to think that everything can be re-purposed. Right now I am drinking water from a teddy grahams snack cup.

6. Dish – I wanna have some fun conversations, but I’m not into shaming anybody.

Here’s the Deal…

Listen, there might be some cursing.  There might be some talk about things you don’t agree with.  I will not censor myself on my own blog.  If you aren’t comfortable with anything here, I’d love to have you join the conversation, but if you must leave- do you.  

I will not censor myself on my own blog.

fuck that.

Every day is a second chance for me to do and be better.  By sharing and learning, I hope that I am able to make a difference in not only my own life, but some one else’s as well.  We all have a story to tell and I want to share ours with you.

This is my space.  Welcome.

I’m putting myself first… 1

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