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We’ve been together over 20 years and Dashaun has worked on my nerves over a thousand times during the course of them, but I wouldn’t give him up for anyone else. We have had our ups and downs but through it all, the one thing that has kept us together is that we recognize that we are a team. When I’m angry though, the last thing I want to do is kiss and make up. This attitude isnt healthy for any relationship.
Our relationship takes nurturing and sacrifices and compromises. There have been good times and rough times, but we conquer our problems by working together. I recognize that we are luckier than most, but we also work hard on our connection.
I am in no way an expert on relationships. In fact, I am 100% sure Dashaun would tell you that I have a lot to work on and that I shouldn’t give advice to anyone. Yet, we must be doing something right if we’re still together and happy, so I thought I’d share my two cents about how to kiss and make up with your Honey after an argument.
Here we go:
5 tips on how to kiss and make up when you’re angry.
Don’t sleep apart.
I don’t care what happens- you hear me? You do not sleep away from your partner. You two are just going through a rough patch, and even though you’re probably still angry, would you rather be away from him or near him? Even when I’m upset with my boo, I like him close.
Sometimes, I like to imagine shooting lasers through the back of his head. Other times I’m longing to cuddle him, but being too stubborn to make the first move. There have been times when we are upset with each other but he will still pull me close to snuggle. We acknowledge that we’re pissed at one another but recognize we still like our closeness.
Quit being mad.
This is the hardest part and easier said than done, I know. You are talking to the Queen of pettyville and angryland. When I feel like this, kiss and make up is the last thing I want to do. I have such a bad temper that it is detrimental to my wellbeing, my space, my life. I’m always searching for new ways to help me calm down and be positive. I like to keep it fresh and exciting so I don’t get used to the same techniques over and over.
What helps me feel better is distinguishing between facts and what I think may be the issue. I used to dwell on what led up to the argument, what we each said during the argument, what I should’ve said differently, why he said what he said, if he had said this I would’ve said that……and on and on and on. I began thinking, why am I putting myself through this? I’m only making myself angry. If I couldn’t get through to him this time, I need to regroup and try a different strategy or let it go altogether.
What you have to learn and practice is taking yourself to a level where you can manage thinking objectively about the situation until you are able to discuss it again. Identify the facts of the situation, regroup and re-strategize, discuss again or let it go.
Set time limits.
Set a limit on how much time you allow yourself to stew over the problem. The other person probably isn’t thinking about it as much as you are. Dashaun is guilty of this. I don’t know if it’s because he’s oblivious of my feelings or a genius because he knows it bothers me. We will have a blow out and the next day he’ll talk to me as if nothing happened. I’ll short answer him and he continues going like the energizer bunny.
Over the years I realized that I’d be all upset and short and he isn’t even thinking about whatever we argued about. When I asked him how come he’s not still upset he said “We argued, it’s over.” He is able to move on like nothing happened.
It bothers me when a problem hasn’t been resolved so we have started working on different ways to work through situations. My response to him is we can’t just ignore something because we argued and it’s over. It’s not over but we have to try to figure out how to tackle it. And I have to learn to accept how he feels by adjusting my comfort level. Each of us had to behave differently to get to the solution.
Sometimes we agree, sometimes we don’t. But I don’t allow myself to dwell on our problems for days at a time like I used to.
Focus on ‘the power of now.’
One of my favorite books is written by Eckhart Tolle titled The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment. I use the power of now to help me cope, especially when I can’t stop thinking about something. This book is a tool I’ve used and I am sharing my thoughts about it with you.
“Realize deeply that the present moment is all you have. Make the NOW the primary focus of your life.”-Eckhart Tolle
In the The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment” rel=”noopener noreferrer”>book, Eckhart teaches that there is only now. The dumbed down one sentence summary is this: Whatever happened in the past is irrelevant and the future isn’t here yet so we shouldn’t worry about it. There is only now.
I focus on the now by talking to myself. Really. When those thoughts or anger start creeping in, I start searching around me, “Oh, here is a blue car. The car has a person in it. Look- the light is about to turn red. R-e-d. Start pressing on the pedal.” Seriously, it works. Pretty soon I have calmed myself down and I’m focusing on what’s going on around me instead of thinking about something I can’t even do anything about right now. And also, between the two of us, I’m probably the only one thinking about it.
Kiss and make up.
Even if that kiss is the driest thing on the planet. Even if you would rather kiss your feet than his lips. At some point you’ve got to move past the problem. Not everything will get resolved. There’s an argument that Dashaun and I have been having over 15 years. Sometimes you just won’t win. And it’s not even about YOU winning. It’s about ya’ll winning together at this relationship thang.
Often, the only way to get right is to take a deep breath, realize that the most important thing is the love you have for each other, then move on to face the next chapter together.
Now, kiss and make up already!